You don't bring me flowers anymore. And by "flowers" I mean blog posts.

So, it's been seven years since my last post on here. I half expected my account to be shut down due to inactivity when I logged in. I also less than half expected, maybe an eighth expected there to be some ghost writer on here, keeping up on it for me. But then I remembered I don't believe in ghosts. And if I did, they'd be haunty-type ghosts, not writer-type ghosts.
Where have I been, you might ask. Well, I've been impregnating my wife mostly. Well, once. That's all it takes. We are going to add a baby to our family! Soon too! In September. An annoying thing about pregnancy is that everything becomes "we" when you and your spouse or baby mamma are going to have a baby.
"We are pregnant."
"We are due on September 13th."
"We have an ultrasound today."
"We are annoying."
Regardless of how annoying, we are SUPER excited for this baby (we call the baby Earl) to come. But not so excited that we want Earl to come early. As you probably know, Rose came early. And if you have one baby early, there's a decent chance you'll have subsequent babies early. So Therese gets a shot in her butt every week to keep the Earl in there.
We don't know if Earl is a boy or a girl. We're not going to find out until s/he's 6 years old. We are mostly hoping that Earl is just one sex, because being two sexes would be difficult. I bet. No offense to my hermaphroditic readers, but I read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and it seemed tough for the child. Especially the first hundred or so boring as hell pages about growing up in Greece or something. I skipped those pages actually. Then the book got good. Anyway, we want Earl to have either just lady parts OR boy parts.
Earl is due on Friday the 13th in September. I like to make a joke that if s/he comes on time, we're going to name him Jason Voorhees. No one (except Dave) ever gets that joke. And there's nothing more annoying than having to explain a joke. NOTHING. Except maybe five finger toe shoes. Or smoking.
Speaking of baby names, if you ever have a baby and people ask you "do you have a name picked out?" tell them "no." Even if you do have a name picked out. It's funny to see/hear their reaction when you tell them what you're thinking. Generally they won't like the name. And they'll let you know. But if you wait until the baby is born and you introduce them, "hey everybody, this is Seephus," no one will say, "wow, that's a silly name." And if someone says that, then put one of Seephus's full diapers under the driver's side seat of their car. And then see who has a funny name.
I think that about gets you up to speed on our goings on. Here are some pictures:

happy new year!

well, we survived another year. the mayans predicted we wouldn't. and we as a society are doing our best to kill ourselves off, but we made it. two thousand and thirteen. look at us now.
what this means to you, but mostly to me:
resolutions. you have resolved to be a better person. you have resolved to be fitter. eat better. drink less. be more sympathetic. tweet. read more books. fold your clothes right out of the dryer. blog more. wear more red. eat fewer clif bars. travel more. play less words with friends. but i'm just not seeing it. come on people, we're like eight days in and you've already fallen off the pace. it's safe to lose around three pounds a week. so, if you're not down five or six, 2013 is a waste thus far.and there's some shirts wrinkling in your dryer right now...
our anniversary. we celebrated our one year marriage-aversary. pretty sweet. all you nay-sayers out there can suck it. pay up. and for all of you who did not get us a wedding gift, don't think you're off the hook... they say (they, you know, those people) that you have a year to give a wedding gift... well, we applied for an extension and they approved it. so, you have another year to get us that blender. or those sheets. or that condo.
holiday cards. our fridge is plastered with your faces and your kids faces and your pets' faces. and your seasons greetings. and your warmest holiday wishes. so, thanks for that. oh, and BTW, it's a new fridge to us. as we moved into a new home. well, in november we did. but it's still pretty new for 2013. we had a housewarming party and you were all there. well, your pictures were anyway. they had a great time. especially the miners. oh, and the laviolettes.
family. we love our families. and i'll leave it at that since they might read this. i hope you love your families too. and ours mostly. it's probably more important that you love our family. more rewarding anyway.
friends. we love our friends. there were some friends in town for the holidays. to them i offer this.
fantasy football. my sundays are so much less stressful now that ffl is done. there's not many things i hate to love to hate to love more than fantasy football. and it consumes my sundays and most of my other waking hours from september to december. i invest so much ridiculous energy into something i have very little control over. and it makes me crazy. therese loves it though. otherwise i'd totally quit. every year i say it'll be my last. but instead of quitting this year, i joined a second league. and that seemed to be a terrific decision. twice the frustration! but you'll be happy to know that i got third in one of the leagues and that's seventy-five smackers.

therese. speaking of therese, she is working for three employers currently. but because of provider/patient  confidentiality, i don't know if i can say where she's working... but it's swedish in ballard with the midwives and swedish in ballard with the addiction recovery service. and the seattle indian health board. which i hope she'll quit soon. it's not up to me though where she works because we live in a progressive household and if she wants to have a job, i suppose she can have one. or three. i won't let her vote though. or expose her wrists or ankles. oh, and she also fairly recently discovered a love for superhero movies. which is cool for me because i got to watch all the movies again. but she likes them for a different reason. i like the action and witty one liners and guys getting beat up. she likes the deeper meaning of what it is to be a super hero. what defines them, their powers, and what they do with them. apparently with great power comes great responsibility. and with great super hero movies comes pop corn. she will gladly debate with you on whether or not a super hero wants the power they have and/or the inconsistencies between the x men films. 
rose. rose got forty seven books for christmas and had forty three of them read by lunch. thankfully she also got a kindle which is like forty seven HUNDRED books. [side note: it's fun to watch people who are used to touch screens use a non-touch screen device (side side note: it's not fun to watch people who are not used to touch screens use a touch screen device]. i should also point out that between reading all those forty seven new books she got, she also re-read every other book she owns and loves... rose is also four months into her fourth grade year at a new school. and she's kicking that new school's ass.

well, i should end this before it turns into one of those family newsletters that you get around the holidays but throw out before you finish reading it because you get tired of hearing about how awesome that family is...

our family is awesome. but not that awesome.

GO HAWKS.

my middle wife

(it isn't normally like me to write a post on here not full of jokes or making fun of someone or someone's race, or someone's beliefs... i've got a bad boy reputation to protect after all. but i'm going to make an exception, just this once. so here goes):

this post is about Therese. my wife.
she's a nurse, but she has wanted to be a midwife since she can remember. which is an awfully long time. i think she first became interested in it when she read rolegarten das viero capitelagt wie back in 1515.

then about a year ago (496 years later), she finally decided it was time to go back to school and do it.

so for the last year she was back at Seattle U learning how to deliver babies. she went to class. clinical rotations. she took call. she immersed herself fully in the program and in other women's vaginas (that's where babies come from!). sometimes i didn't see her for a couple of days (she was lost in some other woman's vagina! jk. just kidding). she didn't sleep. she didn't eat. she came home covered in afterbirth, blood, and vernix. for the last year all she did was midwife. it's an inspiring thing to see, someone so focused on making something happen (i mostly ate snacks while she did all this).  and the best part is the joy it all brought her (aside from the school-type work).

she worked tremendously hard. and now she's done. she finished the program.

and in an industry where jobs are hard to come by, people are going out of their way to create jobs for Therese. she's that good.

i am proud of my (mid)wife.
and you should be too.





















 (she would also like you to know that midwives and doulas are not the same thing)

okay. that is all.

"summer"

summer generally means a couple of things:
1. the weather is nice
2. school is out
so, summer has begun. or has it?
Rose is done with school, but Therese is taking summer quarter. So i'm still packing lunches and helping with homework.
and in seattle it's been crappy weather. so, it might as well be may. people were using the annoying term "juneuary" all the time. thankfully now it's july. oh, but the weather still sucks. i wonder what clever month combination they'll come up with next. julaprily or julember?
anyway, for the most part it doesn't really feel like summer.
more like "bummer" if you ask me.
ha. smiley face.
but i'm not one of those people who's mood depends on the weather. oh wait, yes i am.
so, dear mother nature, this is horse shit. fix it. or there's gonna be hell to pay.
kind regards,
jake

and now for some photos:

 Rose and her friend in Sitka preparing for the arena.

 Rose preparing for june.

Rose and i preparing for the bus to the M's game

I.V. LEAGUE

if you know me, then you know i hate needles.
well, if you know me AND you've had to take my blood, start an intravenous drip, or shoot steroids into my butt, then you know i hate needles.
if you're my wife, then you're a family nurse practitioner studying to be a midwife and out of practice on starting IVs and think it's fun to get together with your friends and drink wine and practice poking each other.
and that's just what they were doing one friday night when i got home. 
so, when Therese first said, "lemme start one on you." i resisted. she insisted.
i don't remember anywhere in our vows saying that i would have to let her shove needles into me. and if i did, i was tricked.
but the more i thought about it, the more i figured it wouldn't be so bad. i mean, every time i HAVE had to have an IV, they go in quickly and fairly painlessly. and i'm a super supportive husband. so, i drank a beer, rolled up my sleeve, and volunteered.

her friend Mel was there as the "expert." which i think just means she had more wine than the rest of them. and also she got poked the most.












Rose was there for support as i felt the "sting" or "pinch" as it seems they like to call it.
in the past, after that first "sting," i don't recall there being much more that happens. the skin is pierced, next the vein, and then the medicine goes in.
that is NOT what happened this time around. the skin was pierced, and then for the next several minutes my vein dodged the needle like Neo dodged bullets, or OJ dodged prison, or Frogger dodged cars.
Therese was persistent though. determined to get that damn needle in there. she dug around in my forearm for what seemed like an eternity. i think at one point it poked out the other side.
it's funny, in the photo, you can see the veins in my other arm kind of pointing and laughing. 


notice the the look of pure joy on my face. i never
want
this
to
end.

but eventually, i had to call it. i just could not take it anymore. i threw in the towel, raised the white flag, tapped out. i felt woozy. the color drained from my face. the one-beer buzz was gone.
Therese removed the needle and i spent the next several minutes face down on the table with my head on an ice pack.

it's funny, the last time i felt that way i ended up going to the ER and getting an IV to re-hydrate me. OH THE IRONY!

thankfully i have such a sympathetic wife. she obviously felt REAL bad for the arm excavation.

 

as a side note, Therese went on to stick Mel twice successfully. i went on to have another beer. Rose went to bed. 

we have not attempted the IV start again.

someone had a birthday yesterday

and that someone was reese witherspoon.

also with birthdays on the 22nd of march:
william shatner, matthew modine, louis l'amour, andrew lloyd weber, and stephen sondheim.
oh, and also therese.
for her birthday i got her the hunger games book.

this was a terrible idea. if you never want to interact with your wife again, get her the hunger games book. and she'll be as good as gone. it would have been a great idea if i didn't like her. but i do. hopefully she'll be done with it soon, so i'll see her again.
also for her birthday i got her tickets to go see mamma mia. exclamation!

this is a musical based on the music of abba. i would like to see a musical based on the music of ace of bass. anyway. i got these tickets for both therese and rose, since rose has a birthday coming up soon and they are both big fans. of the movie version anyway. i hope they won't be disappointed when they don't see meryl streep or pierce brosnan. and i hope the songs of mamma mia will replace the songs of christmas which are still echoing through our home. maybe i hope this.
i did get her one gift that i benefited from and that gift was this:

one dozen donuts from mighty o.
thank you me. and happy birthday, therese.

the flight of time

well, it's been nearly 16 years since i last posted something on here. i forgot i had a blog even. blogs are outdated by now anyway. 16 years later.
you just think something and it sends that thought to the "cloud" and then it's just out there for other people to see. or hear. or think, as well.
like this:

that's me and those are the people accessing my thought blog cloud. i have eleven followers. even that short, happy fat guy. he's likes my clog the most. that's what they call cloud blogs now. clogs. the clog type shoe doesn't exist anymore. just the foot type shoe. sadly. vibram five fingers are all that exist here. 16 years later.
and they look just as douchey now, as they did then.

okay, not really. i'm not writing this from the future. but the present. though the present is future of when i last wrote. by quite some time.
no news is good news? silent but deadly? time flies when you're having fun?
i dunno babs, but i do know this: therese and i are still blissfully married. we've had our ups and downs, sure. but we've really persevered. our love stands the tests of time. all of the tests. our love is like a cockroach. or twinkie. in that it lasts forever. not that it scatters when you turn the lights on or is full of preservatives.

but seriously folks. not too much has been going on. well, i speak mostly for myself with that one. therese is back at school so she can someday work in a baby making factory. she will be the catcher. a midwife. so, she works and goes to school and clinic and she moms and wifes too. she will be busy until august, then can take a breath. before she is busy again.
i seem to have a lot of free time. you'd think then, that i'd have more time for blogging. maybe i'll start blogging about uninteresting things. i wouldn't be the first to do it...

potential topics for tomorrow's blog:
1. which socks i decided on.
2. my weight pre- and post-morning movement.
3. three names i would not want to be named.
4. things i have that i wish i didn't have and vice versa.
5. how busted my bracket is.
6. oh the CRAZY weather we're having.

until then, i'll leave you with this: