You don't bring me flowers anymore. And by "flowers" I mean blog posts.

So, it's been seven years since my last post on here. I half expected my account to be shut down due to inactivity when I logged in. I also less than half expected, maybe an eighth expected there to be some ghost writer on here, keeping up on it for me. But then I remembered I don't believe in ghosts. And if I did, they'd be haunty-type ghosts, not writer-type ghosts.
Where have I been, you might ask. Well, I've been impregnating my wife mostly. Well, once. That's all it takes. We are going to add a baby to our family! Soon too! In September. An annoying thing about pregnancy is that everything becomes "we" when you and your spouse or baby mamma are going to have a baby.
"We are pregnant."
"We are due on September 13th."
"We have an ultrasound today."
"We are annoying."
Regardless of how annoying, we are SUPER excited for this baby (we call the baby Earl) to come. But not so excited that we want Earl to come early. As you probably know, Rose came early. And if you have one baby early, there's a decent chance you'll have subsequent babies early. So Therese gets a shot in her butt every week to keep the Earl in there.
We don't know if Earl is a boy or a girl. We're not going to find out until s/he's 6 years old. We are mostly hoping that Earl is just one sex, because being two sexes would be difficult. I bet. No offense to my hermaphroditic readers, but I read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and it seemed tough for the child. Especially the first hundred or so boring as hell pages about growing up in Greece or something. I skipped those pages actually. Then the book got good. Anyway, we want Earl to have either just lady parts OR boy parts.
Earl is due on Friday the 13th in September. I like to make a joke that if s/he comes on time, we're going to name him Jason Voorhees. No one (except Dave) ever gets that joke. And there's nothing more annoying than having to explain a joke. NOTHING. Except maybe five finger toe shoes. Or smoking.
Speaking of baby names, if you ever have a baby and people ask you "do you have a name picked out?" tell them "no." Even if you do have a name picked out. It's funny to see/hear their reaction when you tell them what you're thinking. Generally they won't like the name. And they'll let you know. But if you wait until the baby is born and you introduce them, "hey everybody, this is Seephus," no one will say, "wow, that's a silly name." And if someone says that, then put one of Seephus's full diapers under the driver's side seat of their car. And then see who has a funny name.
I think that about gets you up to speed on our goings on. Here are some pictures:

happy new year!

well, we survived another year. the mayans predicted we wouldn't. and we as a society are doing our best to kill ourselves off, but we made it. two thousand and thirteen. look at us now.
what this means to you, but mostly to me:
resolutions. you have resolved to be a better person. you have resolved to be fitter. eat better. drink less. be more sympathetic. tweet. read more books. fold your clothes right out of the dryer. blog more. wear more red. eat fewer clif bars. travel more. play less words with friends. but i'm just not seeing it. come on people, we're like eight days in and you've already fallen off the pace. it's safe to lose around three pounds a week. so, if you're not down five or six, 2013 is a waste thus far.and there's some shirts wrinkling in your dryer right now...
our anniversary. we celebrated our one year marriage-aversary. pretty sweet. all you nay-sayers out there can suck it. pay up. and for all of you who did not get us a wedding gift, don't think you're off the hook... they say (they, you know, those people) that you have a year to give a wedding gift... well, we applied for an extension and they approved it. so, you have another year to get us that blender. or those sheets. or that condo.
holiday cards. our fridge is plastered with your faces and your kids faces and your pets' faces. and your seasons greetings. and your warmest holiday wishes. so, thanks for that. oh, and BTW, it's a new fridge to us. as we moved into a new home. well, in november we did. but it's still pretty new for 2013. we had a housewarming party and you were all there. well, your pictures were anyway. they had a great time. especially the miners. oh, and the laviolettes.
family. we love our families. and i'll leave it at that since they might read this. i hope you love your families too. and ours mostly. it's probably more important that you love our family. more rewarding anyway.
friends. we love our friends. there were some friends in town for the holidays. to them i offer this.
fantasy football. my sundays are so much less stressful now that ffl is done. there's not many things i hate to love to hate to love more than fantasy football. and it consumes my sundays and most of my other waking hours from september to december. i invest so much ridiculous energy into something i have very little control over. and it makes me crazy. therese loves it though. otherwise i'd totally quit. every year i say it'll be my last. but instead of quitting this year, i joined a second league. and that seemed to be a terrific decision. twice the frustration! but you'll be happy to know that i got third in one of the leagues and that's seventy-five smackers.

therese. speaking of therese, she is working for three employers currently. but because of provider/patient  confidentiality, i don't know if i can say where she's working... but it's swedish in ballard with the midwives and swedish in ballard with the addiction recovery service. and the seattle indian health board. which i hope she'll quit soon. it's not up to me though where she works because we live in a progressive household and if she wants to have a job, i suppose she can have one. or three. i won't let her vote though. or expose her wrists or ankles. oh, and she also fairly recently discovered a love for superhero movies. which is cool for me because i got to watch all the movies again. but she likes them for a different reason. i like the action and witty one liners and guys getting beat up. she likes the deeper meaning of what it is to be a super hero. what defines them, their powers, and what they do with them. apparently with great power comes great responsibility. and with great super hero movies comes pop corn. she will gladly debate with you on whether or not a super hero wants the power they have and/or the inconsistencies between the x men films. 
rose. rose got forty seven books for christmas and had forty three of them read by lunch. thankfully she also got a kindle which is like forty seven HUNDRED books. [side note: it's fun to watch people who are used to touch screens use a non-touch screen device (side side note: it's not fun to watch people who are not used to touch screens use a touch screen device]. i should also point out that between reading all those forty seven new books she got, she also re-read every other book she owns and loves... rose is also four months into her fourth grade year at a new school. and she's kicking that new school's ass.

well, i should end this before it turns into one of those family newsletters that you get around the holidays but throw out before you finish reading it because you get tired of hearing about how awesome that family is...

our family is awesome. but not that awesome.

GO HAWKS.

my middle wife

(it isn't normally like me to write a post on here not full of jokes or making fun of someone or someone's race, or someone's beliefs... i've got a bad boy reputation to protect after all. but i'm going to make an exception, just this once. so here goes):

this post is about Therese. my wife.
she's a nurse, but she has wanted to be a midwife since she can remember. which is an awfully long time. i think she first became interested in it when she read rolegarten das viero capitelagt wie back in 1515.

then about a year ago (496 years later), she finally decided it was time to go back to school and do it.

so for the last year she was back at Seattle U learning how to deliver babies. she went to class. clinical rotations. she took call. she immersed herself fully in the program and in other women's vaginas (that's where babies come from!). sometimes i didn't see her for a couple of days (she was lost in some other woman's vagina! jk. just kidding). she didn't sleep. she didn't eat. she came home covered in afterbirth, blood, and vernix. for the last year all she did was midwife. it's an inspiring thing to see, someone so focused on making something happen (i mostly ate snacks while she did all this).  and the best part is the joy it all brought her (aside from the school-type work).

she worked tremendously hard. and now she's done. she finished the program.

and in an industry where jobs are hard to come by, people are going out of their way to create jobs for Therese. she's that good.

i am proud of my (mid)wife.
and you should be too.





















 (she would also like you to know that midwives and doulas are not the same thing)

okay. that is all.

"summer"

summer generally means a couple of things:
1. the weather is nice
2. school is out
so, summer has begun. or has it?
Rose is done with school, but Therese is taking summer quarter. So i'm still packing lunches and helping with homework.
and in seattle it's been crappy weather. so, it might as well be may. people were using the annoying term "juneuary" all the time. thankfully now it's july. oh, but the weather still sucks. i wonder what clever month combination they'll come up with next. julaprily or julember?
anyway, for the most part it doesn't really feel like summer.
more like "bummer" if you ask me.
ha. smiley face.
but i'm not one of those people who's mood depends on the weather. oh wait, yes i am.
so, dear mother nature, this is horse shit. fix it. or there's gonna be hell to pay.
kind regards,
jake

and now for some photos:

 Rose and her friend in Sitka preparing for the arena.

 Rose preparing for june.

Rose and i preparing for the bus to the M's game

I.V. LEAGUE

if you know me, then you know i hate needles.
well, if you know me AND you've had to take my blood, start an intravenous drip, or shoot steroids into my butt, then you know i hate needles.
if you're my wife, then you're a family nurse practitioner studying to be a midwife and out of practice on starting IVs and think it's fun to get together with your friends and drink wine and practice poking each other.
and that's just what they were doing one friday night when i got home. 
so, when Therese first said, "lemme start one on you." i resisted. she insisted.
i don't remember anywhere in our vows saying that i would have to let her shove needles into me. and if i did, i was tricked.
but the more i thought about it, the more i figured it wouldn't be so bad. i mean, every time i HAVE had to have an IV, they go in quickly and fairly painlessly. and i'm a super supportive husband. so, i drank a beer, rolled up my sleeve, and volunteered.

her friend Mel was there as the "expert." which i think just means she had more wine than the rest of them. and also she got poked the most.












Rose was there for support as i felt the "sting" or "pinch" as it seems they like to call it.
in the past, after that first "sting," i don't recall there being much more that happens. the skin is pierced, next the vein, and then the medicine goes in.
that is NOT what happened this time around. the skin was pierced, and then for the next several minutes my vein dodged the needle like Neo dodged bullets, or OJ dodged prison, or Frogger dodged cars.
Therese was persistent though. determined to get that damn needle in there. she dug around in my forearm for what seemed like an eternity. i think at one point it poked out the other side.
it's funny, in the photo, you can see the veins in my other arm kind of pointing and laughing. 


notice the the look of pure joy on my face. i never
want
this
to
end.

but eventually, i had to call it. i just could not take it anymore. i threw in the towel, raised the white flag, tapped out. i felt woozy. the color drained from my face. the one-beer buzz was gone.
Therese removed the needle and i spent the next several minutes face down on the table with my head on an ice pack.

it's funny, the last time i felt that way i ended up going to the ER and getting an IV to re-hydrate me. OH THE IRONY!

thankfully i have such a sympathetic wife. she obviously felt REAL bad for the arm excavation.

 

as a side note, Therese went on to stick Mel twice successfully. i went on to have another beer. Rose went to bed. 

we have not attempted the IV start again.

someone had a birthday yesterday

and that someone was reese witherspoon.

also with birthdays on the 22nd of march:
william shatner, matthew modine, louis l'amour, andrew lloyd weber, and stephen sondheim.
oh, and also therese.
for her birthday i got her the hunger games book.

this was a terrible idea. if you never want to interact with your wife again, get her the hunger games book. and she'll be as good as gone. it would have been a great idea if i didn't like her. but i do. hopefully she'll be done with it soon, so i'll see her again.
also for her birthday i got her tickets to go see mamma mia. exclamation!

this is a musical based on the music of abba. i would like to see a musical based on the music of ace of bass. anyway. i got these tickets for both therese and rose, since rose has a birthday coming up soon and they are both big fans. of the movie version anyway. i hope they won't be disappointed when they don't see meryl streep or pierce brosnan. and i hope the songs of mamma mia will replace the songs of christmas which are still echoing through our home. maybe i hope this.
i did get her one gift that i benefited from and that gift was this:

one dozen donuts from mighty o.
thank you me. and happy birthday, therese.

the flight of time

well, it's been nearly 16 years since i last posted something on here. i forgot i had a blog even. blogs are outdated by now anyway. 16 years later.
you just think something and it sends that thought to the "cloud" and then it's just out there for other people to see. or hear. or think, as well.
like this:

that's me and those are the people accessing my thought blog cloud. i have eleven followers. even that short, happy fat guy. he's likes my clog the most. that's what they call cloud blogs now. clogs. the clog type shoe doesn't exist anymore. just the foot type shoe. sadly. vibram five fingers are all that exist here. 16 years later.
and they look just as douchey now, as they did then.

okay, not really. i'm not writing this from the future. but the present. though the present is future of when i last wrote. by quite some time.
no news is good news? silent but deadly? time flies when you're having fun?
i dunno babs, but i do know this: therese and i are still blissfully married. we've had our ups and downs, sure. but we've really persevered. our love stands the tests of time. all of the tests. our love is like a cockroach. or twinkie. in that it lasts forever. not that it scatters when you turn the lights on or is full of preservatives.

but seriously folks. not too much has been going on. well, i speak mostly for myself with that one. therese is back at school so she can someday work in a baby making factory. she will be the catcher. a midwife. so, she works and goes to school and clinic and she moms and wifes too. she will be busy until august, then can take a breath. before she is busy again.
i seem to have a lot of free time. you'd think then, that i'd have more time for blogging. maybe i'll start blogging about uninteresting things. i wouldn't be the first to do it...

potential topics for tomorrow's blog:
1. which socks i decided on.
2. my weight pre- and post-morning movement.
3. three names i would not want to be named.
4. things i have that i wish i didn't have and vice versa.
5. how busted my bracket is.
6. oh the CRAZY weather we're having.

until then, i'll leave you with this:

much "I DO" about nothing. part one

ho hum. new year's eve came and went without much happening. it's now 2012 and we're onto our resolutions. working out more, eating better, speaking in the third person, cleaning out closets, etc. therese at work and school, rose at school, jake at work...
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH.
wait?! what the?!
"didn't something happen between the last post and this post?" you ask.
oh, right. totally spaced on that one. WE GOT MARRIED.
doesn't it feel good to say you're going to do something and then to actually do it? like take a week off from drinking. or run a mile in under 6 minutes.
we said we were gonna get married, so we did. we trained hard. we trained long. we practiced till we were perfect, then we got hitched.
and i gotta say, it was AWESOME.
we had a small wedding ceremony out at my mom's house on the hood canal. and i do mean small. only the closest of family and friends were there. we would have loved to have more folks there, but many important people were not invited to the wedding. mitt romney wasn't there, for example. and those people should thank us. had they been there, they would probably have been sitting on laps of other people that were there. and that could prove to be uncomfortable and distracting. and it may have ended with someone getting pregnant. you know how weddings can be...
everyone who was supposed to say "I do," said "I do." including, but not limited to Therese and I. Therese's brother Josh performed the ceremony. he did a bang up job. he may have a future in this. just as Therese and I may have futures in getting married. we both did great. and rose too! rose walked me down the "aisle" and therese's dad walked her. my nephew dylan played ring bearer. better than gollum, for sure. my friend Dave and his lady Alex sang some songs. they made me cry unicorn tears they were so beautiful. my mom channeled her inner top chef and fed us the most delicious foods. the only real complaint on my part was that everyone was crying. hold it together people! i mean seriously.
therese looked bored most of the time. like this:

people said some real nice things after the ceremony. and we love those people that were there. and we say nice things back. or at least we think them.
maybe some pics will come soon. if you're lucky.

here are the songs dave and alex played, sang, recited.
(disclaimer: this is NOT them performing at our ceremony)

and:
(this IS actually them)

'tis the season

it's almost christmas, and that can mean only one thing...
a) it's december.
b) it's the most wonderful time of the year
c) you missed your chance to get a 42" flat screen tv for $199
d) adults will lie to their children
e) egg nog lattes are at starbucks
f) therese and rose are giddy with excitement
g) there's less than a month till the wedding
h) malls are busy
i) most people will start their shopping in a couple weeks.
j) booze sales are up
k) the 99% is even more upset
l) homeless people are cold
m) there are a lot of guys wearing scarves
n) questionable decisions are being made at holiday parties
o) chanukah is being spelled hanukkah and vice versa
p) lots of people are wondering what the hell hanukkah is anyway
q) therese and rose are basically wetting their pants with excitement
r) holidays are being invented so as to not alienate anyone
s) people are watching "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story" and "a very harold and kumar 3D christmas"
t) use of the letter "x" is way, way up
u) halls are being decked (hall abuse?)
v) people are actually making a business of putting up christmas lights for other, lazier people
w) tim allen's got a movie coming out
x) none of the above
y) all of the above
z) l) and w)

and now for a few great christmas songs:


and


and

you asked for it

back by popular demand... a blog post.
my mom's really been getting on me to update this thing, so here i am doing it. mom.
forgive me for slacking, but i've been pretty busy. with all this occupying going on, i've been inspired to do some myself. i've been occupying grocery stores, coffee shops, couches, barstools, minds, bus stops, bike seats... i'm really making a statement here people. and you don't even know it. i'm pretty much just silently protesting everything. and i feel like i'm really inspiring change. and the best part, i don't have to sleep outside or get pepper-sprayed by police like i'm some 80 year-old woman. i like to think of myself as one percent of the 99 percent. i think that would make me point oh one oh one percent. put THAT on a t shirt. or a banner.

in other news, therese has been hard at work planning the ceremony and party working and going to school. and rose is hard at work being eight. i had no idea that childhood could be so busy and stressful. ah, but it is. what book do i read? who should i have a playdate with? which color crayon should i use? SEVEN TIMES SEVEN IS WHAT?! WHICH GAME SHOULD WE PLAY!? SOCKS OR NO SOCKS?! BRAIN ANEURYSM!
but even though we're all busy, me with my occupying, therese with her work and studies, and rose with her youth, i will have you know that we still make family-time a priority: between 7:30 and 7:45 EVERY (other) night, we make it a point to all be in the same room (if schedule allows). and if that doesn't work, we'll "face time" each other on our intellectual devices from separate rooms.

in OTHER news, you are probably aware that november is actually MOvember

"During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces, in the US and around the world. With their Mo’s, these men raise vital funds and awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer and other cancers that affect men." like moustache cancer. and maybe wiener cancer. and the cancer of leaving the toilet seat up. and really big truck cancer.
but, to support my brethren, i too am growing a moustache to raise awareness (i know! i'm like a double whammy activist with this AND the occupation!)
anyway, 17 days in and here's how we're looking:

not too shabby, eh?

and to show her support, rose is also participating... uh...

because you're absolutely dying to know...

we're still making progress on our wedding. t minus 54 days and counting.
event/sanity maintenance coordinator: check
caterer and menu: check
wedding venue: check
party venue: check
invitations: check
officiant: check
rings: check
photographer: check
dress for therese: check
dress for rose: check
dress for jake: check
i mean suit.
blog: check
gift register: check
beyonce: check
double rainbow: check

role play

in an effort to strengthen our relationship, our couples counselor felt that it would be a good idea if we swapped roles for a day. so i played doctor, and therese played bikes.

our couples counselor also thought we should adopt emma watson.

thunder is the sound made by lightning

more progress has been made!
rose got her dress!
she's looks like a model. and royalty.

therese ordered her dress!
i think it's the same as rose's dress. just a different color. she will also look like a model and royalty. just an older version. an older-than-rose version. not like an "older" version.

i have not ordered my dress yet.
i DID get a new iphone though.
that's unrelated to the wedding.
except for all the wedding apps.
oh, and therese has a bachelorette party planned. i'm sure it will be neat. i don't get to attend, but i think these guys will be there:

therese tells me they're all amateur meteorologists...

anywho, we have venues, someone to marry us, a wedding photographer, a caterer, some rsvps... it's all coming together.

t-minus 67 days...
and counting.

uh, long time, no talk

hey, well this is awkward...
have you been waiting there this whole time?
i guess i owe you an apology. though i don't remember making specific plans. i guess we've had a slight miscommunication.
here you were waiting for me to make a blog post. and i was waiting for you to do it. ha.
well...
i do apologize.
we are still planning a wedding. don't you worry.
and we've made some SERIOUS progress.
though we've hit a few snags.
number one:
we were going to have Mark Driscoll do the officiating. he's our absolute favorite pastor down at mars hill. but apparently he feels that mormonism is a cult. WHAT?! how dare you, Mark Driscoll?! the majority of our friends are mormons. and we plan on raising Rose mormon, so this is just unacceptable!
and after a little digging, i found this Mark Driscoll quote: "...Yoga is demonic. If you just sign up for a little yoga class, you're signing up for a little demon class." i'm glad we're finding this out now as we were planning a 30 minute bikram sesh halfway through our wedding ceremony.
wow, you think you know someone...
could you imagine Mark Driscoll's reaction when we ask him to lead all our mormon friends in a bit of downward dog during the nuptials?
hoo boy.
crisis averted.
i wonder if Charlie Sheen is available?
or maybe this guy:

more soon (er).
i promise.

check your inbox

did you get your golden ticket?

rsvp asap so we know how much tofurkey to get.
lol jk brb rotfl btw wtf swak

on challenges

so, it turns out the most challenging thing about planning a wedding is actually the blogging.
who'da thunk it?
the ceremony, the party, the food, entertainment, rings, etc. are all small taters in comparison to trying to consistently come up with an entertaining blog for you people. you greedy, humor-hungry people.
i shouldn't have set the bar so high with my first couple of posts.
"wow!" you said, "jake and this blog are HILARIOUS!"
"he is so handsome!"
"what's he going write about in his next pants-wetting, laugh-so-hard-i-fart post?"
"i'm so happy for therese and jake!"
well, maybe you didn't say anything about how handsome i am, but there's a lot of pressure here to put up good content. i even have my bride-to-be commenting,
"we really need a great post this week to keep people psyched on our nuptials. they're beginning to not care."
"jake, don't you think you can do better than a lord of the rings post?"
in retrospect my first post should have referenced a less enjoyable movie wedding scene. i won you all over with the princess bride. of course you're all fans of that flick!
why didn't i chose something more like this?

then you would have thought i was all into sex with pies and junk and i would've had to fight to win you over. a fight worth fighting. but nay, i wowed you. you fell in love with me. then i put beyonce on the blog. WHY DID I PUT BEYONCE ON THE BLOG?! who doesn't love beyonce? why didn't i put rebecca black?

or this terrible song:

i could've come back from that. but you can't come back from greatness.
they say there's nowhere to go but up, but what if you're as up as you can get?

i could KICK myself for that post with the list of things to consider. i mentioned a harry potter themed wedding and double dutch and getting kicked in the lady balls and lighting considerations. GENIUS! i should've talked about the flower arrangements or the off-white vs. eggshell vs. pearl serving platters, or the 55 cent to rent champagne flutes. boring junk like that. honk shoo!
oh, and i keep posting pictures of us! ugh! and ROSE! why do i keep mentioning ROSE?! i should've learned from those damn welch's grape juice commercials! you throw cute kids at people and you win them over! if i had a cat-sitting business and i called it meowschwitz, i could get you to bring me your cats if i used ROSE as the spokesperson! even if you never saw your cats again! MEOWSCHWITZ, people!
shoulda woulda coulda. didn't.
i owe you an apology, dear reader. i made you think i was something i was not. on our first date i took you to a private beach where i had prepared an elaborate feast. i laid out rose petals and a quilt that i had quilted. he quilts! i played the violin for you. a song i composed myself. on a violin i built. i swallowed fire and a sword. i swam into the ocean and returned with a pearl. and a mermaid. i wrote you poems. i flew you to paris. on my back.
and then on our second date, i took you to applebee's. and made you pay.
and for that, i'm sorry.
i cannot guarantee greatness in the future. but here i give you my word, i promise mediocrity. i will provide you with pretty good blog posts from here on out. this i solemnly swear. till death do us part.

(i'm gonna kick myself for this, but here:)

one ring to rule them all.

things are coming together for the most highly anticipated wedding of all time. it's of epic proportions, really. like gone with the wind epic. or the lord of the rings. or leonard part 6.
bigger than brangela. or bennifer. or woody and soon yi. bo and hope. tomkat. posh and becks. jim and pam. bigger than william and kate even.

the most recent updates include, but aren't limited to:

a. finding someone to make our rings.

they'll be made by amy bixby and we're pretty stoked. and she's from new zealand, so she's not so far removed from mordor or the shire. and we all know what kind of rings come from there...

2. meeting with J Lo to plan the wedding.
so far she's got us to put that list into a google doc. and THAT has made all the difference in the world. thank you google for docs and mails and maps.
though after that nasty break up with marc anthony, i just don't know if i can trust her.

stay tuned for more exciting updates.
like did therese find a dress?
or hey, i bet you're DYING to know how jake's bridal bootcamp is going. he's determined to lose those extra 14 pounds!

99 days

when asked how excited she was about the big day (the big day is a dorky way to refer to the wedding. big days could ALSO be graduations, first period, first time watching the wire, birthdays, first time you catch yourself before tipping ALL the way back in a chair, first time you get to say "that's what she said!" etc),
ROSE responded with "this excited!"

we are also this excited:

SPEAKING OF THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL...
ROSE started 3rd grade and so we walked:

(i believe here she was telling me about that time way back in second grade, "you know, when i was little" where she was nervous about the first day of class, but "now that i'm older" it probably won't be so bad)
this was also the first time ROSE had a mom AND a dad to walk her to school.
OMG we are just so cute!

oh, it'll be a SIMPLE wedding

so, it turns out planning a small wedding/big party is no small task.
in our minds it was gonna be so easy.
we only had two things to sort out:

1. ceremony
2. party

well, apparently it's more than just numbers one and two. there are other considerations (sub-headings). including, but not limited to, the following:

1. ceremony
a. where
b. when
c. whom to invite
d. whom to perform the ceremony
e. when to use "who" vs. "whom?"
f. will there be music
g. will people sit?
h. will there be walking down an aisle?
i. when will the music be played, if there is music?
j. if there's walking down an aisle, who walks with whom?
k. will there be flowers?
l. what will we wear?
m. what?! wedding rings are different than engagement rings?!
n. where do we get rings?
o. do people need to eat at the wedding if there's gonna be food at the party?
p. yes. what will they eat?
q. do you think our families will get along? or should we do separate ceremonies for each family?
r. what are vows?
s. what do we say in our vows?
t. are there special lighting considerations?
u. when can we start drinking?
v. oh, you're wearing THAT?
w. what if someone objects to these two getting married? is it acceptable to kick them in the balls or lady balls? because, seriously, why would you object?
x. do we provide the rice for people to throw when we leave?
y. what kind of rice? would quinoa be an acceptable alternative?
z. where do we find empty soup cans to hang from behind the car when we drive away?
aa. who eats soup from cans anymore?
bb. would a harry potter themed wedding be tacky? rose would really like that, i think.

2. party
a. guest list
b. that's a clever way to avoid trying to chose between "whom to invite" and "who to invite."
c. location
d. food. what to get and how much?
e. most of my family only eats real meat and we only eat make believe meat. can we make everyone happy?
f. NO.
g. how much booze do we get?
h. can we just play music from an ipod or do we need a dj?
i. if we just play music from an ipod, everyone will need a turn with the headphones.
j. do we need tables?
k. will there be double dutch?
l. YES.
m. do we change outfits for the party?
n. how much booze is acceptable to drink at your wedding party?
o. is it unacceptable to charge admission?
p. if we get tables, who sets them up and who cleans up after?
q. are there gonna be special dances? dad/bride. mom/groom. bride/groom. electric slide. macarena?
r. since this is happening on new years eve, can we convince everyone in the room that all the celebrations in, like, times square new york and under the space needle are in our honor?
s. can we call it "honour" like we're british?
t. will any single friends of ours hook up?
u. do there need to be flowers here too?
v. i suppose now you're gonna tell me there's a different ring for the wedding party too?!
w. can we get a ride home? seriously, we'll be in NO shape to drive.

oh, what am i forgetting? i'm sure there's something.

at least we have each other.

putta ring on it.

which philosopher was it that said "if you like it then you shoulda putta ring on it?"
nietzsche?
plato?
sartre?
john locke?
beyonce?
well, whomEVER it was, i listened.


(have you ever seen a more romantic spot for a proposal than behind a subaru outback parked on a busy street? no, you haven't)

this is what it looks like when you yell at a passing cyclist to stop and take your picture right after you get engaged!

ask her dad if she was flaunting the ring... have you ever seen a bigger diamond*?

(*there's no diamond)

and now, for your viewing pleasure: