'tis the season

it's almost christmas, and that can mean only one thing...
a) it's december.
b) it's the most wonderful time of the year
c) you missed your chance to get a 42" flat screen tv for $199
d) adults will lie to their children
e) egg nog lattes are at starbucks
f) therese and rose are giddy with excitement
g) there's less than a month till the wedding
h) malls are busy
i) most people will start their shopping in a couple weeks.
j) booze sales are up
k) the 99% is even more upset
l) homeless people are cold
m) there are a lot of guys wearing scarves
n) questionable decisions are being made at holiday parties
o) chanukah is being spelled hanukkah and vice versa
p) lots of people are wondering what the hell hanukkah is anyway
q) therese and rose are basically wetting their pants with excitement
r) holidays are being invented so as to not alienate anyone
s) people are watching "it's a wonderful life" and "a christmas story" and "a very harold and kumar 3D christmas"
t) use of the letter "x" is way, way up
u) halls are being decked (hall abuse?)
v) people are actually making a business of putting up christmas lights for other, lazier people
w) tim allen's got a movie coming out
x) none of the above
y) all of the above
z) l) and w)

and now for a few great christmas songs:


and


and

you asked for it

back by popular demand... a blog post.
my mom's really been getting on me to update this thing, so here i am doing it. mom.
forgive me for slacking, but i've been pretty busy. with all this occupying going on, i've been inspired to do some myself. i've been occupying grocery stores, coffee shops, couches, barstools, minds, bus stops, bike seats... i'm really making a statement here people. and you don't even know it. i'm pretty much just silently protesting everything. and i feel like i'm really inspiring change. and the best part, i don't have to sleep outside or get pepper-sprayed by police like i'm some 80 year-old woman. i like to think of myself as one percent of the 99 percent. i think that would make me point oh one oh one percent. put THAT on a t shirt. or a banner.

in other news, therese has been hard at work planning the ceremony and party working and going to school. and rose is hard at work being eight. i had no idea that childhood could be so busy and stressful. ah, but it is. what book do i read? who should i have a playdate with? which color crayon should i use? SEVEN TIMES SEVEN IS WHAT?! WHICH GAME SHOULD WE PLAY!? SOCKS OR NO SOCKS?! BRAIN ANEURYSM!
but even though we're all busy, me with my occupying, therese with her work and studies, and rose with her youth, i will have you know that we still make family-time a priority: between 7:30 and 7:45 EVERY (other) night, we make it a point to all be in the same room (if schedule allows). and if that doesn't work, we'll "face time" each other on our intellectual devices from separate rooms.

in OTHER news, you are probably aware that november is actually MOvember

"During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces, in the US and around the world. With their Mo’s, these men raise vital funds and awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer and other cancers that affect men." like moustache cancer. and maybe wiener cancer. and the cancer of leaving the toilet seat up. and really big truck cancer.
but, to support my brethren, i too am growing a moustache to raise awareness (i know! i'm like a double whammy activist with this AND the occupation!)
anyway, 17 days in and here's how we're looking:

not too shabby, eh?

and to show her support, rose is also participating... uh...

because you're absolutely dying to know...

we're still making progress on our wedding. t minus 54 days and counting.
event/sanity maintenance coordinator: check
caterer and menu: check
wedding venue: check
party venue: check
invitations: check
officiant: check
rings: check
photographer: check
dress for therese: check
dress for rose: check
dress for jake: check
i mean suit.
blog: check
gift register: check
beyonce: check
double rainbow: check

role play

in an effort to strengthen our relationship, our couples counselor felt that it would be a good idea if we swapped roles for a day. so i played doctor, and therese played bikes.

our couples counselor also thought we should adopt emma watson.

thunder is the sound made by lightning

more progress has been made!
rose got her dress!
she's looks like a model. and royalty.

therese ordered her dress!
i think it's the same as rose's dress. just a different color. she will also look like a model and royalty. just an older version. an older-than-rose version. not like an "older" version.

i have not ordered my dress yet.
i DID get a new iphone though.
that's unrelated to the wedding.
except for all the wedding apps.
oh, and therese has a bachelorette party planned. i'm sure it will be neat. i don't get to attend, but i think these guys will be there:

therese tells me they're all amateur meteorologists...

anywho, we have venues, someone to marry us, a wedding photographer, a caterer, some rsvps... it's all coming together.

t-minus 67 days...
and counting.

uh, long time, no talk

hey, well this is awkward...
have you been waiting there this whole time?
i guess i owe you an apology. though i don't remember making specific plans. i guess we've had a slight miscommunication.
here you were waiting for me to make a blog post. and i was waiting for you to do it. ha.
well...
i do apologize.
we are still planning a wedding. don't you worry.
and we've made some SERIOUS progress.
though we've hit a few snags.
number one:
we were going to have Mark Driscoll do the officiating. he's our absolute favorite pastor down at mars hill. but apparently he feels that mormonism is a cult. WHAT?! how dare you, Mark Driscoll?! the majority of our friends are mormons. and we plan on raising Rose mormon, so this is just unacceptable!
and after a little digging, i found this Mark Driscoll quote: "...Yoga is demonic. If you just sign up for a little yoga class, you're signing up for a little demon class." i'm glad we're finding this out now as we were planning a 30 minute bikram sesh halfway through our wedding ceremony.
wow, you think you know someone...
could you imagine Mark Driscoll's reaction when we ask him to lead all our mormon friends in a bit of downward dog during the nuptials?
hoo boy.
crisis averted.
i wonder if Charlie Sheen is available?
or maybe this guy:

more soon (er).
i promise.

check your inbox

did you get your golden ticket?

rsvp asap so we know how much tofurkey to get.
lol jk brb rotfl btw wtf swak

on challenges

so, it turns out the most challenging thing about planning a wedding is actually the blogging.
who'da thunk it?
the ceremony, the party, the food, entertainment, rings, etc. are all small taters in comparison to trying to consistently come up with an entertaining blog for you people. you greedy, humor-hungry people.
i shouldn't have set the bar so high with my first couple of posts.
"wow!" you said, "jake and this blog are HILARIOUS!"
"he is so handsome!"
"what's he going write about in his next pants-wetting, laugh-so-hard-i-fart post?"
"i'm so happy for therese and jake!"
well, maybe you didn't say anything about how handsome i am, but there's a lot of pressure here to put up good content. i even have my bride-to-be commenting,
"we really need a great post this week to keep people psyched on our nuptials. they're beginning to not care."
"jake, don't you think you can do better than a lord of the rings post?"
in retrospect my first post should have referenced a less enjoyable movie wedding scene. i won you all over with the princess bride. of course you're all fans of that flick!
why didn't i chose something more like this?

then you would have thought i was all into sex with pies and junk and i would've had to fight to win you over. a fight worth fighting. but nay, i wowed you. you fell in love with me. then i put beyonce on the blog. WHY DID I PUT BEYONCE ON THE BLOG?! who doesn't love beyonce? why didn't i put rebecca black?

or this terrible song:

i could've come back from that. but you can't come back from greatness.
they say there's nowhere to go but up, but what if you're as up as you can get?

i could KICK myself for that post with the list of things to consider. i mentioned a harry potter themed wedding and double dutch and getting kicked in the lady balls and lighting considerations. GENIUS! i should've talked about the flower arrangements or the off-white vs. eggshell vs. pearl serving platters, or the 55 cent to rent champagne flutes. boring junk like that. honk shoo!
oh, and i keep posting pictures of us! ugh! and ROSE! why do i keep mentioning ROSE?! i should've learned from those damn welch's grape juice commercials! you throw cute kids at people and you win them over! if i had a cat-sitting business and i called it meowschwitz, i could get you to bring me your cats if i used ROSE as the spokesperson! even if you never saw your cats again! MEOWSCHWITZ, people!
shoulda woulda coulda. didn't.
i owe you an apology, dear reader. i made you think i was something i was not. on our first date i took you to a private beach where i had prepared an elaborate feast. i laid out rose petals and a quilt that i had quilted. he quilts! i played the violin for you. a song i composed myself. on a violin i built. i swallowed fire and a sword. i swam into the ocean and returned with a pearl. and a mermaid. i wrote you poems. i flew you to paris. on my back.
and then on our second date, i took you to applebee's. and made you pay.
and for that, i'm sorry.
i cannot guarantee greatness in the future. but here i give you my word, i promise mediocrity. i will provide you with pretty good blog posts from here on out. this i solemnly swear. till death do us part.

(i'm gonna kick myself for this, but here:)

one ring to rule them all.

things are coming together for the most highly anticipated wedding of all time. it's of epic proportions, really. like gone with the wind epic. or the lord of the rings. or leonard part 6.
bigger than brangela. or bennifer. or woody and soon yi. bo and hope. tomkat. posh and becks. jim and pam. bigger than william and kate even.

the most recent updates include, but aren't limited to:

a. finding someone to make our rings.

they'll be made by amy bixby and we're pretty stoked. and she's from new zealand, so she's not so far removed from mordor or the shire. and we all know what kind of rings come from there...

2. meeting with J Lo to plan the wedding.
so far she's got us to put that list into a google doc. and THAT has made all the difference in the world. thank you google for docs and mails and maps.
though after that nasty break up with marc anthony, i just don't know if i can trust her.

stay tuned for more exciting updates.
like did therese find a dress?
or hey, i bet you're DYING to know how jake's bridal bootcamp is going. he's determined to lose those extra 14 pounds!

99 days

when asked how excited she was about the big day (the big day is a dorky way to refer to the wedding. big days could ALSO be graduations, first period, first time watching the wire, birthdays, first time you catch yourself before tipping ALL the way back in a chair, first time you get to say "that's what she said!" etc),
ROSE responded with "this excited!"

we are also this excited:

SPEAKING OF THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL...
ROSE started 3rd grade and so we walked:

(i believe here she was telling me about that time way back in second grade, "you know, when i was little" where she was nervous about the first day of class, but "now that i'm older" it probably won't be so bad)
this was also the first time ROSE had a mom AND a dad to walk her to school.
OMG we are just so cute!

oh, it'll be a SIMPLE wedding

so, it turns out planning a small wedding/big party is no small task.
in our minds it was gonna be so easy.
we only had two things to sort out:

1. ceremony
2. party

well, apparently it's more than just numbers one and two. there are other considerations (sub-headings). including, but not limited to, the following:

1. ceremony
a. where
b. when
c. whom to invite
d. whom to perform the ceremony
e. when to use "who" vs. "whom?"
f. will there be music
g. will people sit?
h. will there be walking down an aisle?
i. when will the music be played, if there is music?
j. if there's walking down an aisle, who walks with whom?
k. will there be flowers?
l. what will we wear?
m. what?! wedding rings are different than engagement rings?!
n. where do we get rings?
o. do people need to eat at the wedding if there's gonna be food at the party?
p. yes. what will they eat?
q. do you think our families will get along? or should we do separate ceremonies for each family?
r. what are vows?
s. what do we say in our vows?
t. are there special lighting considerations?
u. when can we start drinking?
v. oh, you're wearing THAT?
w. what if someone objects to these two getting married? is it acceptable to kick them in the balls or lady balls? because, seriously, why would you object?
x. do we provide the rice for people to throw when we leave?
y. what kind of rice? would quinoa be an acceptable alternative?
z. where do we find empty soup cans to hang from behind the car when we drive away?
aa. who eats soup from cans anymore?
bb. would a harry potter themed wedding be tacky? rose would really like that, i think.

2. party
a. guest list
b. that's a clever way to avoid trying to chose between "whom to invite" and "who to invite."
c. location
d. food. what to get and how much?
e. most of my family only eats real meat and we only eat make believe meat. can we make everyone happy?
f. NO.
g. how much booze do we get?
h. can we just play music from an ipod or do we need a dj?
i. if we just play music from an ipod, everyone will need a turn with the headphones.
j. do we need tables?
k. will there be double dutch?
l. YES.
m. do we change outfits for the party?
n. how much booze is acceptable to drink at your wedding party?
o. is it unacceptable to charge admission?
p. if we get tables, who sets them up and who cleans up after?
q. are there gonna be special dances? dad/bride. mom/groom. bride/groom. electric slide. macarena?
r. since this is happening on new years eve, can we convince everyone in the room that all the celebrations in, like, times square new york and under the space needle are in our honor?
s. can we call it "honour" like we're british?
t. will any single friends of ours hook up?
u. do there need to be flowers here too?
v. i suppose now you're gonna tell me there's a different ring for the wedding party too?!
w. can we get a ride home? seriously, we'll be in NO shape to drive.

oh, what am i forgetting? i'm sure there's something.

at least we have each other.

putta ring on it.

which philosopher was it that said "if you like it then you shoulda putta ring on it?"
nietzsche?
plato?
sartre?
john locke?
beyonce?
well, whomEVER it was, i listened.


(have you ever seen a more romantic spot for a proposal than behind a subaru outback parked on a busy street? no, you haven't)

this is what it looks like when you yell at a passing cyclist to stop and take your picture right after you get engaged!

ask her dad if she was flaunting the ring... have you ever seen a bigger diamond*?

(*there's no diamond)

and now, for your viewing pleasure:

december 31st 2011

what better way to ring in the new year than to celebrate the nuptials of jake and therese?
what are nuptials anyway?
oh, this!
look! our wedding blog makes you smarter!
and more attractive!

so twe-jha yo wuv